On Waiting (Part 1)

Last Monday night, I was in CCF Makati, the satellite church of CCF Main in Ortigas, where I usually attend. 

I have good memories of CCF Makati. My first visit was when I worked as backup photographer for George Padua at the 25th wedding anniversary of a well-loved couple in church. I was truly blessed by the stories shared. The posters about "love" tacked on the church pillars spoke volumes on the general message sent out to the church attendees. I was going through personal struggles at that time, and it was then that I strongly felt God's loving assurance. It was also the day before our flight to the US for a long overdue family vacation/reunion. The three weeks that followed was a manifestation of God's love and generosity. And it was the best vacation I've had in my 30 years of existence. 

This time, I went back to CCF Makati for Monday Bible Study. It's a weekly bible study group for Christian singles targeting yuppies in the Makati CBD, the same group that organizes the B1G Retreat every year. I've been meaning to attend the B1G Retreat either as participant or volunteer, but there's always a conflict in my schedule. So I planned on attending the MBS regularly, which is the next best thing.

I first attended MBS a week ago, and I instantly felt comfortable with the people. I didn't know anyone. I was worried that the regular attendees would mostly be singles in their early twenties. But I realized later on that most of them are around my age so I didn't stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone I met was very warm and amiable as well. I met two sisters who I prayed with during the first bible study. When we talked further, I realized one of them is a law schoolmate and we have several common friends. 

I attended again last Monday and the topic was on waiting. Specifically, waiting for "the one"- or "God's best", as many would like to call it. It was deliberately scheduled for post-Valentine season. I've always wanted to blog about waiting, so this is an opportune time to do so. If there's going to be a college graduate - or an MBA graduate on waiting, I would probably be that person. I've gone through several waiting periods in my life - from waiting for law school to finish, to waiting for the results of the bar exams, to waiting for - yes, "God's best". There are many things I'm still waiting for right now so I really could use a refresher on the subject.  

I wasn't expecting to hear anything new last Monday, but Ickhoy de Leon (founder of MBS and speaker last Monday) gave some new, fresh points on what waiting on the Lord is about. 

The first thing that struck me was when Ickhoy stated that we don't like waiting not because of the anxiety/worry it brings. We simply hate it because of the awkwardness it causes. We feel like we're in a position we're not supposed to be in; we're at a  standstill, waiting for the next step or directive before we can go on. 

I experienced this feeling of awkwardness last Saturday, when I attended two events - the first one was the 1st birthday of my friend's son, and the other one was the Stars concert. I was excited to attend the birthday party and I even promised my friend I'd be doing a photo coverage as a gift. When I got there, I realized I was the only one unmarried among the female guests. My friend's sisters and our high school batchmates all had their partners and babies/toddlers with them. The moms were talking about the best diaper products for their kids. (Or was it baby food? It all sounded the same to me. LOL) Somehow I felt thankful I had my camera to keep me busy, otherwise I'd be stuck in a conversation I know nothing about. Unless I speak from experience. But diapers weren't invented yet during my time. Hehe. Bottomline, I felt like I didn't belong. 

That same day, I watched Stars live in concert. The band has been around for quite some time, so I was expecting to see a lot of people my age. When I got there, most of the concert-goers were hipster-looking kids in their teens and early twenties, and some others who looked like they went there straight from the prom. Most of the girls were in outfits I can't imagine myself wearing anymore, and I felt like they were speaking a language I wasn't familiar with. It was like the Laneway Festival all over again. And I just plainly felt old. Again, I didn't feel like I fit in. 

When I got home that day, I began to wonder where I should place myself. Sure, there are a lot of other single women my age - but more often than not, I'm forced to be in extreme situations I described above. The people in my department at the office are all married; most of my batchmates from high school are married. "Singles" events usually attract people in their twenties. I feel like an overextending "super senior" (a term we used back in college for those who are still in the university after 4 years). I've always been part of 80% of the population, but now I'm a minority. People think there's something wrong with me by staying single at this age. And that explains the awkwardness.

During the talk, it was mentioned that the feeling of awkwardness leads to a torn level of confidence. That's true - in my case, also a bruised ego and a compelling sense of inadequacy. And yet, I can't do anything to bring me closer to "the one". It's not really something you can work hard for, like an exam you can study for; nor is it something measurable, like an ideal weight you can achieve after months of working out. It's something that only God can fix for you. Waiting for someone, not even sure if there's someone to wait for in the first place, is a true test of character because you have nothing else to do but let go. Since we are inherently control freaks, it's very difficult for any person to leave everything to God, most especially when society has a different view and even deem you at fault for not going out of your way to meet other singles.

What then do you do if you "can't do anything"? Do you simply sit and wait for a husband (or wife) to fall on your lap (figuratively, because it would be scandalous otherwise :P )?

This wasn't discussed in the talk anymore, but I think, before considering what we should do, let's emphasize first what not to do as a single person - and that is to decide based on how you feel (usually, it's panic. or desperation). Don't grab the first guy (or girl) that shows interest in you just because the awkardness level has reached an all-time high, or you're nearing your self-imposed deadline to get married before the age of 30, or you're extremely lonely and you need someone in your life right now. We all know that making decisions when you're emotional (and/or hungry :P) leads to disastrous results.

The only thing we can do right now is to ask God to show us His ways and to move towards His direction for us. At the talk, it was emphasized that "waiting" does not mean staying put and doing nothing. Some people can't move on until they have that special someone. Awkwardness brought about by the lack of a partner should not immobilize us and prevent us from accomplishing great things. If you really want God's best for you, then doing what God wants you to do is the key. There's no other way. You can manipulate the situation or try to do things your way, but trust me, you won't get the full blessing God intended for you to receive. 

Things will continue to be awkward - that's a given - but if you're comforted by the idea that your life is in God's control, you will feel an internal peace that you won't get from settling for any person. This is one of the take home verses I got from the talk. I will keep this to heart, in case I get the same feeling of awkwardness again (and again):

Psalm 25:1-7:

In you, Lord my God,
    I put my trust.

² I trust in you;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    nor let my enemies triumph over me.
³ No one who hopes in you
    will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
    who are treacherous without cause.

⁴ Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths.
⁵ Guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in you all day long.
⁶ Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
    for they are from of old.
⁷ Do not remember the sins of my youth
    and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
    for you, Lord, are good.