12.12.12 and Other Random Thoughts

And I'm posting this just because. Taken at a recent wedding shoot in Boracay

Days of doing due diligence is seriously making me rethink my existence. Srsly.

One of the highlights of my "career" (career!) as a photographer is getting encouraging messages from complete strangers every once in a while, telling me that they admire my work. That doesn't happen to me very often (because by "a while", I mean 9-12 months), but when it does, I am reminded of why I do photography and why I should continue doing it no matter how busy it gets in other areas of my life. A few months ago, a random girl outside my network commended my work and told me that she wants to be like me someday. I still get warm and fuzzy every time I remember that message, but a part of me wants to warn her, that if she finds herself at age 30, unsettled, single, having an insatiable appetite for cupcakes, and having frequent bouts of financial impulsiveness, she might regret what she said years ago about me :)) 

Honestly, I'm ok where I am right now - with a steady job, photography, great friends, a loving family. I doubt I can consider this as being at my best though. But I'm ok. Everything's steady. like calm before a storm But sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm still on the right track to where God wants me to be in five or even two years.

on karir. 

Earlier today, I saw a lot of photographer friends posting on FB that they were on their way to/from a wedding or that they had a fun/weird/funny/crazy experience at some wedding. It's a hot date for obvious reasons. Never mind that it's a weekday and the traffic is presumably intolerable. The date is freakin' 12.12.12 and that's the only thing that matters. I also shot weddings on 101010 and 11111 (for similar reasons) and I felt so important, like a soldier deployed for battle together with probably over a hundred(hehe) other photographers. Months ago, I've received several inquiries to shoot as photographer for 121212 weddings. I had to turn them down because the day happens to fall on a weekday and I didn't know where I'll be on this date - if I'll have a regular job or not and if I do, if I'll be able to take a leave.

Apparently, I made the right decision in not getting a shooting job today because things have been quite busy at the office lately. If I could go back in time and talk to my younger self, I'd explain that she couldn't shoot a wedding on 121212 because she'll be busy rushing a due diligence report to be submitted the following day. Of course the younger me would rather shoot than do anything else; and the present me shares the same sentiments. 121212 or not, I'd prefer to shoot than do legal work. I've mostly been honest and transparent that photography is something I could not let go of. I've toyed with the idea of going full time in photography, quitting my day job and doing only photography for a living. I came close to doing just that years ago when I actually quit my first job and attempted to be a full time photographer, only to realize that I jumped in prematurely without any funds and was compelled to find another stable legal job (that at least had a better schedule and allowed me to shoot on most of my weekends). 

Years later, I think I've matured enough to hold on to my head and my heart. I was able to pursue photography without sacrificing my legal career. I knew what I'm passionate about and I went for it, and at the same time, I've grown to be practical enough not to let go of my stable job. I can't rely on my parents anymore to shoulder my expenses (which is likely to happen if I decide to go full time, unless of course I'm consistently earning enough from photography). There are a lot of things in the legal profession that I feel iffy about, like public speaking and getting buried in piles of paperwork, but I know these things are teaching me heaps about life and are molding me to become a tougher person. Of course, all of my career plans are always subordinate to what God ultimately wants for me. If he has other plans, I would drop everything and follow Him. If he has other plans. And I'm waiting on Him for His plans. 

on God's best. 

A good friend suddenly texted me today about a singles' Christmas event at their church. The text exchanges let us to a short chat on being single and finding God's best in our lives. My friend, let's call her A, admitted that she's been praying about finding a husband since the year started but there have been no developments in that area of her life. She asked if I was praying about it too and I said I do pray about it whenever I remember. But mostly, I don't. One of my reasons for not praying is I don't know what to pray about. Should I pray about a specific person? Should I present to God the characteristics I want in my future husband? What if I'm bound for single blessedness? Another reason why I don't pray about it as much as I did in the past (or as much as I would want to) is that it only reminds me of my unfulfilled desire to be married and have a family someday. It somehow emphasizes the lack of a significant other in my life and that's something I don't want to think about. Praying about it might just open the floodgates to all other negative emotions (worry, frustration, regret). I'm ok with being single, but I can't deny the fact that a God-ordained marriage is a beautiful thing that I would want to embrace.

My friend A told me that God wouldn't plant in us the desire to get married if He wasn't preparing us for marriage; and IF we are bound for single blessedness (forever and ever hehe), he'd prepare our hearts for it. That makes perfect sense. IF I am bound for single blessedness, I would rather be in that status anyway with God in my life rather than be in a relationship that is not glorifying to Him. Apart from God I am nothing and I know He has the best plans for me, in whatever marital status I'm in. I also realized that any feeling of uncertainty, anxiety or resignation I might have just shows my lack of trust in God and in His good and perfect will. A and I decided to pray for each other about this as the new year rolls in. I've grown hard and cynical on this aspect and maybe God is teaching me to soften my heart a bit. 

So yes, my 121212 is filled with thoughts about the future; nothing remotely interesting. Probably the most striking incident that happened to me is when I got off by mistake at the 12th floor when I attempted to get off one floor up. Ehe. Hope your 121212 was less uneventful.